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All reviews - Movies (42) - TV Shows (3)

WTF?

Posted : 2 years, 6 months ago on 20 February 2015 11:15 (A review of Ass Backwards)

Who in heaven's name GREENLIT this monstrosity? A cheap-looking ripoff of 'Romy and Michele's High School Reunion' (with some added gratuitous "gross-out humor") -- yes, that's just what the world needs.

Not that I thought a movie with such a title would be 'Citizen Kane' -- but this thing was *beyond* ridiculous!

I'm only rating it 3/10 because... well, as much as I hate to admit it, I *did* snicker at a few little things (i.e. the stack of "Baby-Sitter Club" books, stupid Chloe singing "The Greatest Love of All" at the pageant -- although, with that one, I found the song choice FAR more entertaining than her over-the-top horrendous performance of it).

On the other hand, I didn't so much as crack a smile during the final pageant scene; I could only watch in silent horror as characters who were MUCH too old to be throwing temper tantrums did exactly that (and wonder to myself how many genuinely good films are passed on so that junk like this can make its way to the viewing public).

Oh -- in case anybody cares, Alicia Silverstone appears in the movie as a successful ex-pageant winner (in contrast to the decidedly *un*successful pageant losers played by our two leads). Vincent D'Onofrio (what was he thinking?!) and Jon Cryer also appear; both of them are unmemorable enough, however, that I forgot they were even in the movie until I looked at the cast list on IMDb before posting this review.

The only reason I *might* watch this movie again someday is because it seems like something that *might* be fun to snark on with another viewer.

But please don't mistake that for a recommendation (unless you're prepared to lose a significant amount of brain cells); this really is one of the STUPIDEST movies I've ever seen... and not even stupid in a "fun" way. Just stupid. (3/10)


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A failed attempt at parody

Posted : 2 years, 6 months ago on 20 February 2015 11:14 (A review of American Dreamz)

I'd never heard of 'American Dreamz' before I came across it on Netflix one night. Now that I've seen the movie (I only watched it because I'm guilty of tuning in to those talent-based reality shows from time to time, so I was curious), I kind of wish that I could still say I'd never heard of it.

'American Dreamz' attempts to parody both "American Idol" and the Bush administration. Dennis Quaid, in an unfunny performance, stars as a United States President known primarily for being stupid (how clever! how original!) who's for some contrived reason set up to make a Very Special Appearance as a guest judge on some faux "American Idol" talent show. Hugh Grant plays the host of the talent show; I guess he's supposed to be like Simon Cowell. Other actors in the movie include: Mandy Moore (as an "America's sweetheart"-but-only-on-the-surface girl from the Midwest who competes on the show); Chris Klein (as her boyfriend); Willem Dafoe (as the "evil puppetmaster" behind Quaid's so-called President); and Marcia Gay Harden (as the First Lady). None of these actors is very memorable.

Well -- I suppose Klein is *somewhat* memorable. But that's only because his character plays a major part in the movie's ridiculous climactic scene (which is pathetically the "best" scene in the movie, though I won't give anything away).

Ultimately, everything about 'American Dreamz' is as annoying and lame as spelling "dreams" with a 'z' (what was the deal with THAT, anyway? Just spell it correctly.) (2/10)


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Blech!

Posted : 2 years, 6 months ago on 20 February 2015 11:13 (A review of America's Sweethearts)

I avoided 'America's Sweethearts' when it was released to theaters back in 2001, thinking it would be either cutesy, stupid, or boring.

Fourteen years later, I finally watched the movie on Netflix. Lo and behold -- I thought it was cutesy, stupid, AND boring! Also MUCH too long, although I believe the running time is actually average (but I certainly felt many times while watching the movie like it would never, ever end).

I mean, I suppose I've seen worse; but I've also seen hundreds of films that are way better. (How annoying was Hank Azaria's fake accent, anyway? I hated the ugly, exaggerated way he kept saying "junket" like "hunket.")

This is NOT one that I'll be watching again, that much is for sure. (2/10)


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An irritating 2 Days

Posted : 2 years, 6 months ago on 20 February 2015 11:12 (A review of 2 Days in New York)

I was hesitant to watch '2 Days in New York' because of Chris Rock (whose "comedy" I'd rather avoid). But his character "Mingus" turned out to be less annoying than Julie Delpy's "Marion" (Rock's onscreen love interest) and Marion's "eccentric" family (the movie's plot revolves around her family's visit all the way from France -- naturally, their presence leads to all kinds of wacky hijinx!). Not that Mingus won me over or anything (he'd have required a personality to do that). In fact, I found it hard to care much about ANYBODY in this film.

Apparently, '2 Days in New York' is the sequel to something called '2 Days in Paris', which might be a wonderful movie; however, considering the characters are the same characters featured in this film, I'm not in any huge rush to go seek it out. (Though, if I do, I should remember to have Ibuprofen on hand; I'm bound to wind up with a headache if Marion and her family act anything in 'Paris' like they do in 'New York'.)

Despite all of the aforementioned gripes, 'New York' isn't the worst movie I've ever seen; it more-or-less passes the time (at least I didn't have to shut it off!). I even enjoyed Dylan Baker's brief appearance; and I was somewhat amused by the rather random cameo by Vincent Gallo.

Plus, of course, it's always nice to see the Big Apple on the big screen (or, in this case, on the Netflix screen). (4/10)


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Not exactly a review (yet...)

Posted : 4 years, 7 months ago on 21 January 2013 10:01 (A review of Haskett's Chance)

This movie actually sounds really stupid judging from the plot description (reincarnation? really?), but I want to see it simply because it might be the only chance I ever have to watch something with my surname in the title. The presence of Cary Elwes and Dylan Baker doesn't hurt, either. If I ever DO get the opportunity to see it, I shall edit this into a real review. (And, er... eat crow if it turns out to be a decent movie.)


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